I'm an asshole. (Again!)

Last week I needed to go to the mall to pick up these ginormous bags of popcorn for work. (Don't ask). Lugging these bags through the mall is a pain in the ass, so I wanted to make as little trips as possible, mostly to avoid all the 'hilarious' comments from other mall patrons.
"HAY SOMEONE'S HUNGRY!" Yeah. I'm going to eat ALL THIS FUCKING POPCORN, YOU STUPID ASSHOLE.
"CAN I HAVE SOME?" Sure. Fuckface.
"WOW SOMEONE LIKES POPCORN!". Ugh. Just shut the fuck up already.
From the moment I pick up a bag, to the second I throw it in my car, everyone thinks their Jerry Fucking Seinfeld. ANYWHO...I digress.
Bottom Line: I need a close parking spot. Then I only need to make 1 trip. I get to the mall, drive around....there are no spots. It's like Christmas Eve at the mall on a fucking Thursday morning.
I see one spot, and pray it's not a handicap mirage spot....and it's not. No, this is a mirage spot of a different kind.
This spot is for "New & Expectant Mothers". Now, while I'd never park in a handicap spot (even for a minute)....this spot? Acceptable. Heck, I was only going to be in the mall for 10 minutes TOPS, so I parked there.
I immediately became paranoid that someone would see me and be like "Hey, you aren't pregnant!" (which, trust me, would be a LOT better than someone thinking you ARE when you aren't, but not in this case). I decided to stick my stomach out and hold my back as I got out of my car just in case. Nobody was around, but I didn't care. I got my popcorn, then got the hell outta dodge.
That, my friends, is why I'm an asshole.