F.U.F. - Concert Edition

Today's F.U.F. addresses all the douchebags at concerts, and BOY there are a LOT. There are different types, and you can't really say who's the worst of all.

Concert Douchebag Types

1. The Mosh Pit Douche

Some great things came out of the 90's Grunge era....unfortunately mosh pits came with it. A mosh pit is usually started by some drunken asshole who probably came to the concert alone, and may or may not even be a fan of the band whose concert they're at. They'll start pushing some guy, and then that guy will push back and knock the original pusher into someone else, and then THEY start pushing, and then all of the sudden its a Royal Rumble. What the fuck is the point of spending $50+ to come to a show and just push people? I just want to enjoy the band I paid to see, not worry about being kicked in the head, or be struggling for 2hrs just to stand upright! One mosh pit I was caught in knocked me down on the ground where a fat shirtless man fell on top of my HEAD breaking my glasses...I thought I was going to suffocate to death until some guy noticed me, picked me up, and then threw me back into the pit. Thanks...I guess. When I'm up close watching a band that I love and a mosh pit breaks out, I just get the fuck out of the way...sometimes it's tempting just to push one of those guys...HARD...(which I have a couple of times, like when I was at a show and somehow got sucked into the pit and some guy had his ELBOW in my THROAT...as I was blacking out I summoned Hulk Strength and punched the guy as hard as I could which, if you've seen my small fists, probably did NO damage), since they're so messed up that they wouldn't know it was me, but it's best just not to get involved. Either way...so many concerts have been ruined by moshing douchebags, so they can go eat a bag of dicks.

2. The Crowd Surfer Douche

The crowd surfer douche still pops up at some shows. I've never liked crowd surfers. There's nothing like watching a wicked band put on a show and then get kicked in the head by some asshole who thinks it's a fucking Pearl Jam show in 1993. NO ONE WANTS TO SUPPORT YOUR STUPID BODY MASS DURING A SHOW. STOP IT. It was cool for a while back in the day, but it's NOT ANYMORE unless you're one of these guys. I don't understand why girls would want to do it either, unless you like random pervos touching your ass, boobs, hair, etc... When someone crowd surfs over me and it's particularly violent, I will just poke as hard as I can. Eff you, for ruining concerts for me!

3. Tall Person Douche (a.k.a. ViewBlocker)

Tall Person Douche only refers to tall people at concerts who think it's ok to stand directly in front of you, blocking your view of the show.

I didn't pay hard earned cash to look at the back of your fucking Lee Jeans, Buddy. If you're tall, you don't need to be right near the front, because YOU CAN SEE FROM ANYWHERE. Why do the tallest people always pick the shortest people to stand in front of? If a tall person stands in front of me at a show and I was there first, I have no qualms about tapping them on their gigantic shoulder and giving them a look like "Um...really? Are you really going to consciously choose to stand RIGHT IN FRONT OF ME, you BABY GORILLA?" Usually they will move....but not always. The ViewBlocker doesn't even necessarily have to be a tall person. It could be a person with a hat (...again, really? You're at a concert, not the Kentucky Derby. Take off your fucking hat if its a ViewBlocker), some gross hairy guy waving his arms like a nancy (lol CS), or just some asshole who is sad that they didn't get to the venue early enough to get their own good spot so they want to take yours. In one instance, a girl came and stood RIGHT in front of me so close that her hair was going into my MOUTH. Gross. I was blowing on the back of her head to creep her out so she'd move, but it was a no-go. Finally I just said out loud "The next time this girls hair goes in my mouth, I'LL CHEW IT". That worked. Don't block my fucking view!

4. Topless Sweaty Douche

The topless sweaty douche is the grossest of all concert douchebags. First of all, why are you taking off your shirt? We're indoors. 95% of the other people at this concert are wearing shirts. We're not at the beach. I don't want your sweaty, nasty, naked skin touching ANY PART OF MY BEING. The topless sweaty douche is usually invovled in part 1 or 2 as well, so they're more like a hybrid douche. When they're in a mosh pit its pretty gross because they're even more sweaty and slippery so there's a chance they could bump into you and their nasty discharge could be wiped all over you and your clothes...when they're body surfing it's almost worse because then not only are you holding them up over your head, but you also have to touch their gross back skin. EW. I'm not really germophobic by any means, but touching one of these guys makes me feel like I should powerwash myself.

Put on a shirt and fuck off!!

There's your F.U.F. for this week. Enjoy!